The Unity Series: Why does it hurt so bad?

I Tried by Anthony Hamilton

Being in love is like running the gauntlet. At the end of that gauntlet is your heart and soul's ultimate satisfaction; a mate who compliments, uplifts, and pleases you the way you need. However, you are no doubt bound to be bruised and knocked down before ever crossing the finish line. That is the nature of the journey towards anything worth having. Some people take their lumps, and resolve to stand stronger, but others take each slight as evidence that there is no finish line in sight. As to the latter, why can't those who hurt deeply forget about their past failures?

"His Perspective"

Holding on to negativity is second nature to most people. I'm definitely guilty of it. No matter how much our friends encourage us to get back up again when we fall due to something in our romantic relationships, it's never that simple is it? We live paralyzed by fear that someone else will do it again if we let our guard down for a moment. In my experience, this tends to enhance the feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction I've felt, not make it better. That's why I strive not to hold the next woman responsible for something that one of her predecessors did or didn't do. After all, she didn't have anything to do with me being done dirty most likely. It's not her fault, and she should not be made to pay the price. Furthermore, I never want to face the reality that I let something good go because some ex of mine who's likely an ex for a reason made a mistake. I try to move on from the past as much as practicable. Sure, it's good to learn from history, but it's never a good idea to let history stand in the way of future blessings. I strive to never get caught looking backwards when the finish line is in sight. Do you?

"Her Perspective"

Generally, a woman doesn't have a problem letting go and forgetting a failed relationship. However, it is hard to forget the brutal burns of a past devastating relationship. It is difficult for any person to forget an experience involving an excruitating pain, mental or physical. Although the pain and hurt may fade with time, the bruise will always be there. We know what it feels like to be hurt. It doesn't feel good. Women don't become defensive after one bad relationship. Rather, they slowly build a hedge of protection around themselves. I can't fault a woman for that. However, some women do too good of a job at building their defense wall. You are too busy focusing on the pains of the past to recognize what the future has in store for you. It is a critical mistake to make the assumption that all men are bad. As women, we need to learn to slowly open our hearts to men and make them earn our trust instead of volunteering it. Otherwise, you gon' find yourself by yourself.

Girl Talk... Where's the Honesty?

Ladies, if a man isn't pleasing you sexually, how do you handle it? I'm willing to bet most of you don't tell him what he needs to hear; the TRUTH. I know our egos tend to be overinflated and fragile at times. But if you don't let a man know he needs to step his game up, he'll continue screwing it up. I've heard plenty of stories with details about how disappointed women were with men's performance. If you're not going to kick him out and tell him why he's gotta go, or tell him that he needs to do something better or not at all, you're contributing to his falsely overinflated ego thereby making the problem worse. Sure his feelings might be hurt, but he'll go walk it off eventually and step his game up.

Men should have a passion to study the female form just like we'd study anything else. Sure every woman is different, but all women respond to the attention you pay towards mastering physically pleasing them, and they'll be all the more willing to work with you. Plus, real talk, if you want her to remember the time she spent with you, you'll man up and learn what it takes.

Stop Playin Yourself

I've had a couple very compelling conversations with my female friends about a very pressing topic. They were of the general opinion for some reason that men lie about their relationship status and how they feel about women when they're trying to get some. Perhaps because that's very true. Men lie, but women do too. I am not defending those who choose to lie when I say this, but at some point, you have to take responsibility for believing those lies or not expecting action in conformity with what men say. The writing on the wall is normally clear enough to tell you everything you need to know if you're paying attention.

I see women playing themselves quite a bit, and it concerns me. You'd be amazed at some of the things that women respond to favorably without a scintilla of substance. Whether it's naivety or desire that clouds your judgment, you have to realize it is being clouded at some point. I have played myself by being blinded to what was really being said, and it has hurt or embarassed me. I'm not afraid to admit that, so I rarely take any woman's statement at face value until I get a better picture of how her actions relate to the things she says. I don't think women are not to be trusted, and I don't think women should adopt the "I don't believe ish you say" appraoch either. You can hear what a guy or girl is telling you and wait for them to deliver without getting yourself in too deep. Words in and of themselves should never be enough to get you open. They are rarely as real and satisfying as the real thing.

Sink or Seduce: What Kind of Woman Are YOU?!

Beyonce is quite possibly the sexiest woman on Earth. I mean, check the picture if you doubt it. Even though this performance was exactly that, you gotta admit it was a bit much for an award show. How many women do you know could give a man who everyone knows is not her boyfriend a lap dance like this in front of millions of people and not be considered a hoe or slut (all hating aside)?

The crucial difference between the average woman and Beyonce is that Beyonce plain doesn't give a damn what anyone else thinks. She sees what she desires and go gets it while most women are too afraid of being labeled a slut or a hoe. Beyonce is a bad chick who isn't afraid to please her man, and in fact, she openly enjoys pleasing him. Any man worth having will respect that quality in any woman, and he will never judge her for showing just how much she wants her man.

Just like women love men with "swag," you need some swag about yourself if you wanna keep your man looking like Terrence Howard does in this picture. If a man puts a little bass in his voice and comes correct at you, you're willing to look beyond a whole lot of his shit because his swag makes you wanna be with him. We feel no different. Never stop being a lady, and never stop letting your man see your inner vixen. That's where the passion and desire that make love the experience it should be thrive. Let loose, and let's get it.

Who's That Lady?

My friend asked me earlier why men are so caught up with a woman's physical beauty and what it takes to get past that. She spoke of a scenario where a man is involved with two women. The first isn't ugly, but isn't something to marvel at. However, she cooks, cleans, and is a beast in the bedroom. The second one has little to nothing that compares to the first, except she's a complete bombshell. She said that women don't understand why guys always go for number 2. I'll tell you why.

First, as everyone knows, men are sexually charged creatures. We see, we want. It's that simple. Nothing compares to waking up in the morning and seeing a dime laying there next to you. It's what's at the top of Macho Mountain for some people. When it comes to woman number 1, although we appreciate everything she does, with the exception of the sex we can do it ourselves. The need for that kind of thing doesn't compare to that initial drive when we see a dime walk by. It probably won't ever.

The only thing that can make a man look past all of that is himself. No matter how perfect a woman is physically or romantically, that man isn't going to change his ways until he says it's a wrap. You can't convince us with acts sacrifice, gifts, sex, or anything else you have to offer. Women shouldn't blame themselves or quesiton their worth because men don't seem to pick up on it. We do. But that has little to nothing to do with whether or not we will choose to look behind the initial physical attraction.

Child Support... Please Grow Up Men!

So I was at the barber shop today for an insanely long time, and I witnessed a very interesting conversation. I sat in the midst of ten grown men, all of them several years older than me. There was a preacher, a couple d-boys, a student, and a few regular old Joes. Yet most of them had one thing in common; they did not want to pay child support or simply refused to pay. Some had the nerve to complain that judges would jail them for refusing to pay. One person jokingly said that they should treat child support like electricity (i.e. - when you're two months behind, they just cut you off).

The shit isn't funny. It's not even understandable. If you're going to be man enough to lay it down, you should be man enough to raise the child that could result. That's why we have condoms, birth control, the morning after pill, and as a last result abortion. As a law student, I understand and agree with some of the criticisms of alimony/child support law and its mechanics. However, for now, the law is what it is and you have to respect that. I am not a parent, but I can't imagine not wanting to provide for my family emotionally, financially, hell whateverly. You cannot call yourself a man and not have a presence in the life of your children. You're a coward. Please get it right.

Who Wears the Pants in this Relationship?

Inspired by my wonderful friend Tiffany, I decided to ponder this topic. I ultimately believe in a perfect environment that relationships and marraiges should be partnerships. Where someone is slacking, the other should be right there to pick it up. People have individual talents and strengths, and I believe you should always defer to the more qualified person. However, sometimes you can run into the problem of too many chiefs and not Indians. I think it's all a matter of understanding that by submitting to someone else's lead, you are not necessarily forsaking power of your own in the relationship. Whether you do that in terms of raising your children or finances, or whatever, as with most other relationships, it all begins with balance.

I believe that everyone can be satisfied with a little effort and a little mutual sacrifice like the couple above. In the midst of so many people worried about sacrificing career for love, no one talks about those who make it work like the couple pictured above. Now, Barack Obama is the hottest politician in the streets with books and speeches galore, but his wife Michelle is an accomplished attorney and leader in her own right and she was a boss in the game well before she and Barack got married. Yet despite their quite extensive ambition to become the best, they have a strong family and better yet a strong family life. It can be done, and they're doing it on the biggest stage you can imagine. There's no reason we can't all learn a lot from them.

Interracial Dating

He's got jungle fever....she's got jungle fever....they've got jungle fever...they're in love! (I had to do it..sorry)

Interracial dating has been a hot button issue for some time now. I personally don't do it because I value black women too much to want anything else, but I understand that's just me. I was the only one out of all of my friends from college and high school just about who felt that way, and that will likely hold true the rest of my life. I just can't do it, nor do I want to. I won't knock those guys who choose to do it.

What I will knock is their reasoning. Sure, sometimes you can run into some trouble dating black women, but rarely does it ever have to do with them simply being black. No race of woman is superior by virtue of skin color, and having your white girl as a status symbol or trophy spits on the struggles our mothers and grandmothers made to raise us. Please stop it. You date white women because you want to, not because they're better than black women.

I read an article recently that suggests that black women are turning to white men and others as an alternative since there aren't black men available. If black men truly aren't available in enough numbers, I truly empathise. That's gotta be rough. I've heard all of the doomsday statistics about the state of black men and won't bother to repeat them, but in my heart, I know that all the news about us isn't bad. Keep believing in us. Please :).

The Independant Professional Black Woman...Yes I'm Talkin About You!

Professional black women... I love you! You're brilliant. You're dynamic. You're savvy. You're sexy. You're beautiful. You're all the things that black men should and do want (even if they're not necessarily the same thing). But the truth is, you're killing me.

In the midst of all of your success, accolades, and dream chasing, you've become disillusioned. You've been hurt by some men, disrespected by others, and taught to distrust the rest by what I call the "Black Men Ain't Shit" movement. I understand your frustration with us. As a whole, we can leave much to be desired. But that's not a license to board yourself up emotionally like Hurricane Katrina 2 is coming and require men to jump through rings of fire just to get to know you. It's not cute. It's not an approrpiate way of dealing with your issues and you're pushing away the kind of men you say you want. No man wants to lick your wounds from old relationships just like you don't want to pay for other women's mistakes. Now granted, we all have some emotional baggage. It's a part of life, but again, it's not an excuse to wild out on the next man or woman.

In all of your independence, I think you've had a lot to deal with that you shouldn't accept. Men who are too insecure with themselves to handle you in all of your glory need to wake up and get over themselves. It's 2007 men! Women are not here to cook your meals, clean your crib, do your laundry, and raise your kids. If that's how you determine a woman's worth, you will be missing out on what matters every time. Any woman who can climb to the top of Corporate America or a law firm or whatever her profession is most certainly the essence of what you want.

Stop Stalking!

This has been an issue of mine for a minute now. I am way past tired of men (or those who claim to be men) stalking women they're dating or interested in dating. I can list off several occassions where I've said something to a female friend of mine on facebook, myspace, or in person that some random guy has taken issue with in one way or another. Some of these guys have friends who check their girl's facebook page for them and report back on who said what. GROW THE #$)@ UP! PLEASE! If all it takes is a couple of slick comments on facebook to threaten your relationship, you shouldn't be worried about what I have to say. You should be worried about why your girl isn't that into you. If you're not even in a relationship with the woman at issue, you have no business seeing who said what and when.

This kind of stuff stems from the attitude of protectiveness that men have about women they're involved with. There's nothing wrong with that, but I think we're losing sight of what matters. The best way to make sure your girl doesn't go astray isn't checking who's potentially trying to take your place, it's making sure you're standing strong in your place and that your woman knows you're not going anywhere just yet. You really have to put that woman first, not random guys. If you're doing the best you can in your relationship or trying to holla, you will be assured of two things. First, your girl will know that you're for real and if she feels the same way, she'll know she's getting your best and she won't go anywhere. Second, if your girl isn't really that into you, you won't have to worry yourself with questions like "What if I had done better by her? Would we still be together?" because you'll know that your best just wasn't enough for old girl and you can keep it moving.

Plus you don't want to encourage men like me who aren't so insecure about things like that to come and take yours. That kind of attitude makes it much easier. Trust me.

One Night Stands...

One night stands... such a controversial topic. We've all thought about it. Most of us have done it or will do it. But the question is, "Is it right?" My answer? Almost always it's cool to have a one night stand so long as you're responsible about it. That means condoms. That means knowing whether or not you can emotionally handle that nothing may materialize beyond the morning after. That means being willing to deal with the consequences of such a choice like pregnancy and the like. And it definitely means keeping it real with those whom you choose to be intimate with.

Many people wonder about whether having sex too quickly makes you a hoe. I generally don't think so as long as you're honest with yourself about what you're getting into. Although it's true that many men will consider women who give it up to be hoes, in my opinion, that attitude reflects a blatant hypocrisy that men rarely admit to. There ultimately should be no difference between a man choosing to have sex quickly and a woman making the same choice. However, I'm kidding myself to think that the world will see it that way, and I'm kidding myself to think that men will recognize the hypocrisy.